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Staff Video #6 - Comparative Suffering

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Comparative suffering is when we see our suffering in the light of other’s suffering, because others have it “worse” we don’t have the right to feel badly or complain. This happens because of the myth that empathy for ourselves or others has a limit and we need to save our empathy for someone who really deserves it. But empathy does not work that way! When we are compassionate towards ourselves, we are better equipped to love and support those around us. Do these things when you notice comparative suffering showing up for you: 1) Name the feeling you are having, 2) Give yourself permission to feel your hard feelings, and 3) Show yourself some self-compassion and allow yourself to vent without guilt

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Hi White River staff. Welcome to your 438th week of distance learning! Okay, it's not actually been that long, it's only been 11 weeks. But it feels like that long, to me! In that vein, I want to talk a little bit about suffering. Suffering is something that I've been hearing a lot from teachers, staff, families, students in our district. That they just feel like they're suffering right now. One of the things that happens when we're feeling pain, or hardship, or suffering, is we start to compare ours to other people. We call that comparative suffering. Comparative suffering is when we see our suffering in the light of other people's suffering. That we compare our hardships to others, and we feel like ours somehow isn't valid because ours isn't "bad enough" compared to other people. Or, we feel like we just have no right to complain because others might have it comparatively worse than us. You know that you are having some comparative suffering when you think thoughts like, "Well I can't be sad that I won't have a graduation, because I know some people who don't even have a job right now.", or things like "I can't be angry with my kids for pushing my limits because I know people who have way more kids than I do.", or maybe something like, "I shouldn't be exhausted. I am not a doctor or nurse on the front lines right now." Comparative suffering is actually something that's not very helpful to us. It also functions under the myth that empathy for ourselves, or for other people, has a limit. That there's only so much to go around. It's this idea that if we're too kind or gentle towards ourselves, that we won't have empathy to give to other people who really need it. But that's not how empathy works. In fact, when we cultivate that inner dialogue of self-compassion which we talked about before, we are much better equipped to love and support people around us, when we're empathetic to our own suffering. So, here's some tips to help with comparative suffering when you notice it happening. First is just name the feeling you're having, or the suffering you're having. There's a well-known phrase that says, when you name it, you can tame it. What that really means is that research has shown us that when you can recognize and name your own feeling, our brain and our body, start to physiologically settle down. So, name the feelings so you can tame it a little bit. The second thing is give yourself permission to feel hard feelings. Now you can still keep your hardships in perspective and also acknowledge your own pain. I've heard it said once that the worst pain is the one that you're in. So, it's okay. Don't compare your pain to others. Just acknowledge that you're having it. And the last thing is just show yourself some empathy, some self-compassion. It's okay to let yourself vent a little bit without feeling guilty. It's okay to think things suck for you in the moment, when they do. Remember when you do that, you're better equipped to love other people and support others around you. I will see you guys next week!

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Staff Video #6 - Comparative Suffering

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