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I Statements

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This 2-minute video for parents features Mental Health Therapist Stephanie Dann talking about I statements. When we are upset, we often use “You statements” to communicate how we feel to others. Although our feelings are valid, this usually creates defensiveness and conflict. Try using an “I statement” like this: I feel ____________ (feeling word) when ___________ (the problem). I need ___________ (what you hope for in the future). It’s harder for others to argue with your feelings when you present them in this way. Challenge: When you feel upset, try using an “I statement” instead of a “You statement” this week. Also, try watching this video with your student and practice coming up with I statements. They are more likely to use them if you teach the skill when they are calm.

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Hi, my name is Stephanie Dann. I'm a mental health therapist that works with White River School District and today I want to talk about 'I' statements. Conflicts are a part of life and it's really hard when we feel like the person we're talking to just doesn't get it. Positive communication involves other people and unfortunately they can't read your mind when you're talking to them. So it's up to you to communicate in a way that people are more likely to hear. When we get upset we often communicate by saying 'you' statements. You did this, you that. An example might be something like this, "You are always late. You never let me know what's going on, and you just stroll on in here. What is wrong with you?" Your feelings of frustration are valid. It's annoying when people are late. But when they hear that, it's natural for people to want to defend themselves. And then the conversation's over before it even starts. So I recommend using 'I' statements. 'I' statements sound like this, I feel blank when blank. I need blank. Taking our example of being late earlier it might sound something like this, "I feel irritated when you don't let me know you're coming home late. I need you to text me when your plans change." When we use 'I' statements it's harder for people to argue with us. It's harder for them to argue with how we feel because our feelings are just our feelings. And it's more likely to spark a conversation then to have a conflict. So your challenge this week is, I want you to try using an 'I' statement instead of a 'you' statement when you feel upset. You might also watch this video with your students and practice making 'I' statements before they ever get angry.

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